TAKING HER OUT So now I've shown you the importance of making yourself look cool and dangerous so the girl you are woo-ing will be irresistibly drawn to you, like a beautiful butterfly to a monkey that shags butterflies. It isn't enough to just act cool, though. You now need to start dressing cool, so wear clothes that make you look individual and eccentric. And by 'eccentric', I mean you need to wear things that would normally inspire you to mass contempt if you ever saw anyone else wearing them. For example, how about an ironic bowler hat? Or, what about a cowboy hat? Or get this; how about a pair or YELLOW TINTED SILVER RIMMED GOGGLES worn on the top of your head?
See. Also, items like parachute pants, Judge Dredd boots and large chains hanging off your belt (like all those college kids wear) will establish you instantly as an individual. Express yourself! You also want to get a new haircut. Ever since the hippies first grew their hair long in the 60's, haircuts have been a means of personal expression for men. You can tell a lot about a person from their hair (for example, if someone has blond hair and a moustache, they are gay). The barber knows best, so just leave the actual style up to him, and just give him a few pointers. You: 'I'd like an anarchic punk fringe, but longer, and I want the back and sides to look like oppression and political angst. When you shave the sideburns, try to make it look like a comment upon the Palestinian Liberation Front. Also I'd like it to look like Nick Drake's hair. Do you know what I mean?' Barber: 'Yes. £50 please.' On the night, it's a good idea to arrive at her house early. Your next step is to knock on her door! (You should know where she lives from when you followed her home in the last half.) You might be nervous about the daunting task of knocking on her door for the first time, so build up your courage by knocking on other people's doors for 10 minutes, then making up bullshit excuses when they answer the door such as 'I was just testing the doorbell', 'I'm selling key chains' and 'I am your son'. Also, it's said that first impressions always last. That's why you should pull the most freaky face you possibly can when she opens the door and then scream "FUUUUUUCK!" in her face, and then close the door and open it again as if nothing happened. In light of that incident, for the rest of the date you'll look like a really handsome and well-rounded gentleman, and she won't be sure if it actually happened or if she imagined it. When she answers the door, give her a hug and a peck on the cheek (to set the tone for the evening) and say 'Heeeey!' Then ask if she's ready yet. This phrase 'Heeeey' is important, because at that point you don't know her name yet. The reason you arrived early is so that while she's getting ready to go out, you can search through her personal belongings for some clue as to what her name might be. Asking her name this late in the game will be a sign of disrespect, so after you find it out just drop her name into normal conversation and she'll assume she told it to you the first time you met. If she looks at you funny and asks 'How do you know my name,' you can say either: a.) 'You told me on the bus when we first met.' Or b.) 'You just look like a Melissa (or whatever).' The second response is handy, as it will make you look either a.) Funny and cynical b.) Intelligent and intriguing c.) Intriguing and psychic. If she still gives you shit like 'No, seriously', chloroform the bitch. The chloroform is handy anyway, because it'll have worn off by the time you've dragged her through town to the Uni. Bar. When she comes to, tell her 'we drove here in my Ferrari'. Don't worry about this web of lies you're spinning- there isn't much chance of your relationship lasting longer than a week anyway once she realises what a pathetic excuse for a man you really are, so make the most of it.
AT THE BAR At the bar or club, stay close to your girl but not too close! Don't worry if she talks to other guys- it's perfectly normal that she has platonic friendships with boys from her school, college, or university* that don't threaten your chance of getting some. However, at the same time don't rule out the possibility of her dumping your undesirable broke ass for a more eligible bachelor. So if you see her talking to any other men, ask her to introduce them to you, then after a polite exchange give them a evil glance and mouth to them 'She's mine'. * we're assuming she goes to school, college or university because her clothes and taste in music reflect a sense of rebellion that would have been crushed quickly if she had to work full-time at Argos/KillGerm.
Stay away from the dance floor or 'mosh pit' - just stand by the bar nodding your head to the music and make approving comments about the band playing. (Remember, you want to give off the impression that you are superior to every other male in the building. This is how it's done). And bear in mind that the purpose of this date is to get to know each other better. When you get the chance, talk with her about real experiences you may have in common, like work, college, music you like and so on. Hey, you're doing it! You're having a proper conversation with a human female! If you've got this far, give yourself a pat on the back. You're doing great! But listen up, hotshot. She may think you're cool, but that's not enough. Time to get her to 'like you like you' as they say on American TV. If you've followed the guide correctly you should have ended up with a mildly neurotic young girl who desperately wants to offend her parents by getting mixed up with a hard-drinking, free thinking radical badass. And, more importantly, she should be a bit minging so she isn't in the position to pick and choose. This is where YOU come in. To become the person she needs you to be, firstly you should have been 'drinking hard' from the moment you entered the bar or club. Not from pint glasses- who the fuck do you think you are, Princess Anne? You're drinking bottles of Bud, to make you look American. And you're drinking non-stop. Never be seen without at least one drink in your hand or you'll blow the image. And if you can't handle your liquor very well, then tape a plastic colostomy bag to your belly, with a tube running from the bag to your mouth. Then just pour the liquor into the tube. You won't get drunk, and she won't notice the tube because it'll be taped to your face, covered in foundation. This might make you look a bit disturbing, but that's OK because you can tell her you were in a motorbike accident.
CONVERSATION I'll say it again: The purpose of this date is for you two to get to know each other better. If you really want to look good, then you need to drop the idle chit-chat and talk about something interesting. The subject of music is a good place to start, because it's a subject where I expect she will have common ground with you and it's a useful platform for you to flesh out your rebel persona. As I don't expect you to be able to think of anything interesting to say, just talk about pop music and how you believe it to be killing 'real' music. In case no one told you what you're meant to think, just remember 'BOOO!' Westlife, 'YAYYYY!' Tool. Just repeat that to yourself in the mirror for 20 minutes every day, and you'll soon have the correct opinion. But when you start your anti-pop music spiel, don't forget to try and be funny! If you just frowned at her and ranted all night as if she'd done something wrong she wouldn't be too entertained, so use a little humour on top of the cynicism. Here's a joke I wrote for you to use:
Gusset... DRIPPING. While you are impressing her with your personality, try to get physical contact with her like touching her hands. As the night goes on, gradually increase the amount of physical contact (or 'Kino', as it I like to call it) so after 10 minutes your hand is on her ass and she doesn't even know it. She'll just assume that she let you put it there because she likes you so much. That's cute, but Your Hand on Her Ass is as far as rugged animal magnetism will get you, so now you must bring out your secret weapon. So like a conjuror producing the proverbial rabbit, you will suddenly reveal to her your sensitive side. To achieve this, A handy phrase to use is 'Sometimes, as a (your occupation here), it can get so lonely...' if your occupation involves contact with many people or you're a student, add the line 'surrounded by morons, who can't understand things on my level...' If all this has worked, she'll say 'Oh Vladmir! (or whatever your stupid name is) You'll never have to be lonely again!' Or some shit. If the night has gone really well she'll try the same ploy on you, but I doubt that very much. Remember who you are. If all that doesn't work, it's chloroform time again! Drag her back to the front door of her house and when she comes to and asks where she is say 'We were kissing in the club, and then we were walking back here holding hands talking about all kinds of shit and drunkenly singing songs at the top of our voices, don't you remember?' Women are stupid, so she'll swallow this shit easily. So now you're at the doorstep. As any guy will tell you, being at her doorstep can be an awkward situation. However, if you have bought her enough drinks she'll be more willing to 'put out.' If she says no, or says 'well, see you later!' respect her wishes and GO HOME. Don't worry, you can ask for her number (never give her your number- this will be seen as a sign of weakness). If she does let you in, stagger upstairs and fuck her like an animal. So, if you followed all the tips correctly and did what I said you should have just got yourself a girlfriend, or at least made it with a woman. Well done, fucker, I hope you feel guilty. You are a despicable loser, a user and deceiver of women and I hope you drown in your own rancid love-juice, or even better, the bitter, salty tears of all the women whose lives you have ruined, past, present and future. You have just made your first step into a whole new world of my intense, white hatred. You thought you were impressing me by following this guide? Guess again, you bull-headed macho motherfucker. YOU ARE MY ENEMY. I repeat: YOU. ARE. MY. ENEMY. Do me a favour and just shoot yourself now- or even better, why not go into your local Zanzibar or whatever putrid, brass-furnished establishment you usually frequent, bring an AK-47 and then just fucking UNLOAD on all your shoe-wearing hair-gelled associates? That's it. Kill them all. Kill them all, and then weep as the air becomes thick with the smell of blood, fear, gunsmoke and Lynx Africa. Oh yeah, and to all those who didn't have any luck with my guide, don't despair - all women secretly want to be raped. Go get 'em tiger! Raarr! CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE
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