Awesome. DISCLAIMER: This guide is based on an expert's findings on the female mindset, which I read on the respected website 'www.pickupguide.com'. This is not a sexist work- If I thought 'Maniac High's No Nonsense Quick Step Guide to Laying a Chick' (Usenet: alt.seduction.fast) was anything other than an authoritive and scientifically proven document, I would have not used it as the basis for this article.

Are you lonely? Depressed? Does it bother you whenever you see two people in love? Do you feel you need someone in your life, but you feel that no-one will truly accept you for who you are? Of course you do. You're a dork. But listen! The situation isn't as bad as you think- by following my simple guide you too can find your soul mate, and your life will be once more complete. Just follow my instructions, and soon you'll have a girlfriend to call your own. That's right, I'm assuming you're male.

So, you're looking for a girlfriend, and you're wondering where to start, right? Well the first step is to scout out someone who looks like a likely candidate for the role of 'future girlfriend'. There are many ways of meeting girls- you might be introduced at a party, meet at a local nightclub or even at the bus stop! Because I've never been to either of the first two, this guide will tell you how to meet girls at a bus stop.

There is a skill in spotting the right girl to pursue. For starters, avoid girls in brand label clothing. Their habit for buying ‘trendy’ clothing indicates that they are popular and probably have a boyfriend already, or will only speak to men who have their own cars.

Instead, look for the following qualities in girls:

 

Hair dyed in unusual colours (red, purple, etc)

‘non-conformist’ style of dress - flared jeans, knitwear, facial piercings and scary make-up

Clothes that bear the names of bands like ‘Tool’, ‘Puddle of Mudd’, and ‘System of a Down’ (even though you think these bands all suck)

Slight weight problem

Unattractive face

This is what came up when I entered 'Lonely Teenage Girl' into the google.com image search. She scores points for being young and impressionable looking, but loses points for not being ugly and fat. Avoid.

 

You see, the odd mode of dress indicates that she does not conform to the views of the mainstream society, and that she hates her parents. This is good because you won't have to talk to them. This also means that she will be more ready to go out with a radical free thinker such as yourself. The slight weight problem and unattractive face indicate that she is available and more ‘your league’.


YOUR BODY LANGUAGE AND WHAT IT TELLS HER

‘I am pathetic. I’m just another brick in the wall, a cog in the machine. I’m currently doing business studies or working as a kitchen porter (although one day I hope to be promoted to an assistant chef).’

 

‘My cigarette says that I have seen a lot in my 16-25 years and am wise to the ways of the street. My no-nonsense stance however says that I have no time to mess around with crazy teenagers. Go home, little girl.'

 

My apathetic stance says that I am, like you, cynical and weary of the ways of the world, but my cigarette says I have ‘seen it all’, have ‘credibility’, ‘street-smarts’ and I am your ticket into a world full of partying, gigs and many, young, beautiful and like minded people. Come with me, and get ROCKED.’


 

‘I am currently inbetween jobs.’

So now you’ve waited around at the bus stop and a girl who fits the above description has turned up. The way you stand at this point is important. You need to convince her that you are the sort of person she would be interested in, and the wrong body language could jeopardise your chances of ‘scoring’. (see right)

Other ways of improving your appearance would be to accessorise. A simple guitar case or large art folder will give her the false impression that you are interesting, creative or otherwise special. Decorate these accessories with stickers bearing the names and logos of popular alternative bands to complete the image!

You too can meet girls at a bus stop. Yes. One just like this one.When her bus arrives, spit your cigarette out at the floor and crush it rebelliously underfoot. Get on the bus with her. Don’t worry if it isn’t your bus- hand the driver 75p and say ‘single to mrrhphmhf’ as you walk past him, then ride the bus round back to the stop you got on at. These bus drivers don’t really care to be honest. Even if the bus is empty except for you and the girl, sit in the seat directly next to her. If her bag is on the seat, move it away. Instantly you are showing her that you don’t PLAY by the RULES, you cut the bullshit. You’re that kind of guy. Don’t worry if she says ‘what are you doing?’ or moves to a different seat. That’s just how chicks operate. Your next step is to feed her a chat-up line, that doesn’t sound like a chat-up line.

 

 

Bad Lines

(Do not say stuff like this. It’s corny and outmoded.)

Good Lines

(Try to keep your approach more down to earth and casual, like this)

‘If your left leg was Easter and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays?’

‘If your left leg was the town and your right leg was the village, could I go for a ride in the cunt-ree?’

‘Yo, I gotta let you know, you gotta know you got a body like 'Whoa!' Yo, maybe we could do a little ah-ah, right before we do the cha-cha- LEMME KNOW! But before you lemme know I gotta make this last FOR-EH-VER!!'

‘Uh, hi, hey, nice top. Er, there’s a band sort of like that actually playing the uni bar Thursday. You going to it?’

‘ (pretending to be in deep thought) …where’s my art folder… er, hey, I’m an artist, I’m doing a piece on the suffocating effect of modern society on youth and subcultures, er, for college, and you’d actually be a perfect model for me...’

‘Hello beautiful, you got a really pretty mouth... I WANNA FUCK YOU IN IT!!’ (note - this actually belongs in the ‘Bad Lines’ section)

 

With good icebreakers like these, the rest of the conversation should then come naturally to you. Conversations are unpredictable things, so this guide can’t tell you how to continue talking to her, but remember: Don’t be nervous, and above all, BE YOURSELF! Oh wait, you're a dick. DON'T BE YOURSELF. Pretend to be me or someone.

Don't stop reading yet - In the next half of the article, I will show you how to pick your girl up and go on a date! And then how to administer the Rohypnol, to guarantee you some play!